Rescued From the Insanity of This World

Memoir Entry: 2009

As a young girl, I used to dream of joining the Navy and sailing the seven seas! Growing up in south Florida, I grew to love the ocean. I would sometimes spend hours on the docks watching the ships in the distance and dreaming of what life at sea must be like. At times I would close my eyes and imagine myself on the deck of some sea faring vessel, slicing through the frigid black water; salt air blowing wildly through my hair, and the smell of the ocean filling my nostrils.

The freedom and adventure I imagined was alluring to me. I have no doubt that most would struggle with the loneliness of just such a life, but solitude has never been a problem for me. Quite the opposite, in fact. I find that I am centered and renewed in my times of seclusion. Though, I suspect I am so powerfully drawn to isolation at times, because it provides an escape from those parts of my life that I struggle with so intensely.

It’s a gorgeous day in Sedona, Arizona; perfect weather for a hike. There’s a light breeze blowing against my face and the warm sun is beating down upon my back; very much unlike the blowing winds and cold temperatures that I’m used to this time of year. It’s amazing what a difference 30 miles southward, and a descent of 2000 feet in elevation can make. 

From the cliff on which I’m perched, I can hear people talking below me; but it does nothing to disturb my thoughtful state of mind. I almost wish it would. Being out here alone with my thoughts can be therapeutic at times, revealing at others. I can see already that the latter will be my lot today.

As a child, I’m not sure I ever gave my future a second thought. What am I going to be when I grow up? Will I attend college? Will I marry? And if so, how many children will I have? Surprisingly, I don’t recall these things ever entering my mind. And if they did, I didn’t invite them in long enough to remember them. It’s not that I haven’t been ambitious or even successful in life. I’ve spent 4 years in the United States Army; 4 years in the United States Air Force; traveled all over the United States, as well as other countries; and have spent most of my life in a career field in which I’ve excelled in a variety of roles. No, ambition has not been an issue for me.

But life itself? Well, that’s a different story altogether.

My parents divorced when I was 12 years old. Not a new story; on the contrary, a far too familiar narrative. In that one word, everything I knew to be real and secure dissolved into nothing; and for the first time in my life, I felt fear for the future. I’ve heard people say that it’s common for children to feel some fault or responsibility when their parents divorce. I certainly felt a lot of things during that time, but fault for what was happening? No, I never felt that way.

It was no more than a few days after the news that I was torn from my home and my father, to take up residence with my mother and her newly acquired boyfriend/soon to be husband. And so would begin a series of planting and uprooting that would continue for nearly the remainder of my childhood.

My father eventually re-married and I spent much of my adolescence volleying back and forth between him and my mother – mostly as a punishment by my mother for some wrong I had committed, real or imaginary. Ironically though, some of my best memories are of living with my father. Even so, the rejection that I felt from my mother during that time was not lessened by this fact.

As children we tend to see and believe the best in people, regardless of how they treat us. We accept that our parents love us, regardless of what they say and do; and we trust that those whom we care about, care about us. There are those ties that bind no matter the circumstances. But, as we grow older we begin to see the inconsistencies between what people do and what they say, or don’t say. Though I’m not sure that seeing does much in the way of changing our hearts and minds. Children are resilient, the foolish proclaim. We would do well to remember that we were all children at one time, and we carry the scars to prove it.

As the memories flow, I’m overcome by the realization that life can be dreadfully unpredictable at times, and somewhat terrifying. Gradually, I begin to see (perhaps for the first time) that somewhere along the way I’ve lost the wonder and innocence of life. I think I’ve spent most of my years trying to avoid that feeling, though I’m not sure I understood it until this moment. And now that I am aware, what good does it do for me to write about it? Will these words somehow bring about a miraculous conversion? Will I suddenly be healed of the years of hurt and rejection that have brought on this loss?

I’m tired of being strong; I want to be vulnerable. I’ve so long denied that this part of me exists, covering it with so many distractions, that reality has become blurred; and I’ve deceived myself into believing that I am fine. 

What I so desperately need is a hiding place; a lap that I can crawl onto and lay down my head in peace. I long to love freely and be loved in return, to enjoy life in all its richness; but this open wound in the depths of my heart causes me to fear and pull back. I want to finally feel the fullness of this pain that I’ve so fiercely protected, even from myself. And in feeling, confront. And in confronting, be healed.

I know that no amount of self-help books or popular psychology can heal me. They can only help me cope. Only Jesus can truly set me free and make me whole. This is exactly why He came. I am why He came. We are why He came. To redeem us from the curse and effect of sin. To bring wholeness to our lives. To set us free. To rescue us from the insanity of this world. And to return us to our Creator and Lover of our souls. Praise God for His great love toward us!

Isaiah 61:1-3

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.”

It’s getting late and I should start my return trek. It’s difficult to pull myself away from this beautiful spot; but somehow I feel refreshed, energized, and ready to head home. 

As I stand, I see a man below me stacking rocks to create what I would guess is a cairn. I find this strange, as there is only one trail at this point in the hike and it hardly seems necessary to mark it. But the irony is not lost on me. I realize that there is also only one trail for me at this point in my life. I can continue on my current path, moving further into the trees and brush; denying that anything is amiss. Or, I can turn around and follow the one trail that leads me out of this canyon and back toward home.

Copyright © 2009 Deanna Renee All Rights Reserved

23 thoughts on “Rescued From the Insanity of This World

  1. That is so honest and beautiful I don’t have words. God bless you Dee. My prayers are with you! I feel your pain in what you suffered and I know the Lord is comforting you. He will never leave us nor forsake us. He can heal all wounds! By the way, that’s really cool about your military service! God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Ryan. God has brought me a long way since I first made this memoir entry. God is good and faithful. He loves us and wants us to be whole. Bless you, too.


    • Thank you. Yes, He definitely leads us. It’s amazing how He directs the lives of those He knows belong to Him, even before we know Him. So incredible!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I do believe solitude is good. I believe He wants us to have solitude. I know when I’m in solitude I can hear what He wants me to hear whats coming from Him. Closing me apart from what may and can distract me from what His wanting to tell me through His Words when I’m studying. I strongly agree with you that Our Heavenly Father is good and faithful, and that He loves us, and He wants us to be whole. Thank you for sharing. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Betty Jo. It’s in our times of intimacy with Him that we’re changed. I spend time by myself, for myself sometimes. But when I’m alone with Him, there’s nothing that can compare. God bless.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “I’m tired of being strong; I want to be vulnerable. I’ve so long denied that this part of me exists, covering it with so many distractions, that reality has become blurred; and I’ve deceived myself into believing that I am fine.”

    A good quote on where a lot of us are most of the time. But, deep down we want to be known by the One who knows everything, but most importantly, He knows us. There is something we need. Good post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment. I truly believe and what you’re saying is right on. And that most people drown that out with… whatever. Television, activity drinking, you name it. God bless.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Dee, my heart rejoices when I see how the Lord brings others to Himself. It is always through the darkness of this world. I just brought Jerry home from the hospiatl this afternoon, soon enough to close the garage door and prepare what we needed before the children make their rounds. This night every year, we spend most of the evening in darkness; just enough to eat and whatever before preparing for bed. I related to him during this time how I believe God planned the darkness ~ without it we would never have known we needed light. We can look back to the darkness from which He brought us, so that whether in solittude (a sort of darkness) or from our time with Him to meet those who are still in darkness. They recognize the light, but only those who are HIs will accept and come to the Light. Blessings as you stay with Him on the path, in those quiet times with Him and sharing His Light with others. Thank you for your post. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Frances. You are so right. This entry was made 9 years ago and in looking back on it, I am amazed at how far He’s brought me since then! I love what you said, “They recognize the Light, but only those who are His will accept and come to the Light”. I never really thought of it in that sense, that they recognize the light. I suppose I just assumed that they don’t at all. But the Bible does tell us that God has put a knowledge of Himself within every person. So, of course they would at least recognize Him, whether or not they choose to come. Thank you so much for your thoughts. I hope your husband is doing well. Dee

      Liked by 1 person

  5. loved this phrase Dee “I’m tired of being strong; I want to be vulnerable. I’ve so long denied that this part of me exists, covering it with so many distractions, that reality has become blurred; and I’ve deceived myself into believing that I am fine. ”

    Great post!

    God bless

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Ben. I think most people feel this way on some level, but can’t really define what it is until they come face to face with it somehow. Thanks for your comments! Dee


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